I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
