After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
