Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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