sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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