I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
