Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
