I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
