My room smells like vodka and shame
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Randomize
