I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
