I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
