Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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