Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
