i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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