Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
