She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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