Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
