So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
