my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
