Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Shame - the story of my life.
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