you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
