Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
