Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
