Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
