No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
