i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I could make wine with my vomit
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
