I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
