"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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