Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
