Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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