my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
