Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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