I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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