One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
