it hurts more in the daytime
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
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