I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
