But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
