and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
