"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Randomize
