I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You need Xanax blowdarts
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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