can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Randomize
