Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
