It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
