yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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