walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
