She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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