Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
