I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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