i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
