How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
