Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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